mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
