he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
