Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm having to shit out rocks
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
