I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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