1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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