dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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