he thought i was a dude.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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