I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
