If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
