you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
