k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Oh god it's open bar.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
