Already got asked if we're dating
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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