also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
