At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
