with your own penis?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
