When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
