CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
