A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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