Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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