When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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