The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
