Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
