I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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