she woke up with a sticky ear
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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