I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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