i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
