Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
