Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
