Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Someone shattered a urinal.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
