i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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