My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
