I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
