I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
