Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
