woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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