he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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