I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
