The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
