My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize