sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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