I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
