got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
