Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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