Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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