Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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