you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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