Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
