and next time when you feel me up, do it right
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
