She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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