if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I seem to have left my pride at pride
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
