wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
