I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
