Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
